Eternal Winter

“King Parsy” is a big fat liar

As I faithfully wrote in my last entry, we could not take a rest after our snake orgy, so we forged on, exiting the garden of doom. We found a room full of military stuff and a huge crystal ball. With my expansive knowledge of magic (I had a High Wizard girlfriend once… taught me a lot… though she was literally high most of the time so who knows how much is accurate,) I realised it was magical and benign. We all touched it and got our healing surges back. Whew! Oh, except for Rosy, who has no soul thanks to her little run-in with death way back when. The black orb that saved her life took a wee bit of payment. A pity. Anyway, onward with our cunning party!

We skipped a corridor down which the moping Rosy saw snake holes in the walls. Yeek. Went to a barracks which we happily looted. Korn went though some crawlspaces used by servants and said the coasts were clear, so on we went.

We came across a tall shaft going up, with flimsy stairs winding upward. Rosy and Markus put on their spiffy footpads and snuck up there to take a gander. We stayed below, confident that if they saw anything dangerous, surely they would turn right around and ask us for help. Surely. Meanwhile, our two sneaks heard and then smelled in the pitch blackness a Delver. This is a cute little creature with blindsight who can make a snack of a hardy team of paragon adventurers. So surely they went right back downstairs. Well, not really. They considered for five minutes how to sneak past it or attack it unawares. Then they pulled their heads out of their asses with an audible pop, and decided to come back and find us. We shat ourselves just hearing about it. We realized this passage above us probably went into the mountain rock, and gods know what is in there.

Soon we realised, though not too soon thanks to my hideous mapping skills and long history of party drinks, that we had come around full circle. The only place to go now was up the stairs in that room. That had stairs. In which we killed all those guys. Who came down the stairs. Stairs we did not go up to see what was up there. Or put on the map. Whoops. So we went up the stairs!

And guess what? We found out where that big green beam went to from that room down below! It burst up through the floor of this new room we found, and hovering in it, nay bathing in it with orgasmic glee, was a formidable looking guy in armor that seemed to consist mostly of wicked knives. Yike. We had found Korsh. In the corner was a figure in sacrificial robes, tied up and unconscious. We guessed that was Parsy and soon we found we were right. Fight fight!

Korsh had a charming habit of throwing blades at us. We had a charming habit of hitting ourselves with our own and each other’s weapons. [In this fight, there were an extraordinary number of 1s rolled.] During this merriment, I figured I would do the most good by untying Parsy, who probably could bless us with a bit of royal luck if not kick a bit of ass, royally. Talithe joined in and healed Parsy. Our first thought: yay, he’s free! Our second thought, after Parsy seemed to be upset that we were attacking Korsh: oh shit, he’s fighting for the other side! Our third thought, after he summoned a sword from nowhere and attacked Korsh: Whew! At that point the fight really turned and soon Korsh was on the ropes. In an ending as epic as it was acrobatic, Markus zipped around Korsh to get a good angle on him. This make Korsh take an attack of opportunity on him. But because of his hefty beefy marking skills, Korsh’s attack let Steeple take a free whack at him. This hit, making Korsh reel, and then Markus leaped high in the air and stabbed Korsh through the throat, killing him savagely. It was awesome.

We talked to Parsy about what was what. Turned out, as we thought, Korsh was not a nice guy. He was conducting a ritual of ascension to turn into an avatar of Zehir, which the world really does not need. Parsy was happy with us. So it was time to call in some favours. Number one was to get a bit of that royal, royal, yummy red Parsy blood, to open up Tarkin Hall. This is when Parsy looked a bit sheepish and had to admit that he was not of the Parsy family line. Whaaaat? Parsy I was the last king of the line. Princess Parsy is in fact of the same line, but never got to the throne, getting all disappeared instead in Fa-lir. So we have to go there to find the blood. Every Parsy after #1 was of a bastard line of some sort that was quietly swapped in, so the people would not lose faith in the kingship. I hate royalty, they are always doing shit like this. But now we had a secret, and with it, leverage. Parsy gave us free and clear ownership of Archhill Manor, tax-free, with renovations paid for throughDamien. Also, free passage in Lietherack. He also gave us his sword, which though not very powerful, was the one that, with the blood, would open Tarkin Hall! Neat! We asked about the Eye of Cados. Parsy said it was another Zehir thing and very dangerous, lots of people lost there, we are not ready for it. That reminded us of that pushy guy we saw at Tarkin, who also told us what we were not ready for. Parsy said that was the Planar Assassin. I kind of forget what else Parsy said about him though, whether he was hired by Parsy or what. Sorry!

We went back to Mooncity much more powerful and famous than when we left. Everyone was finding out that we got rid of the snakey tax collectors, and Markus even got a couple cult followers, awww!

We did some asking around and discovered that a pack of snot-nosed thieves called the Moonstars, and how freaking gay is that, took the ring that was the companion to the Clingy Ring that Steeple had so much naughty finger sex with. We decided not to track them down and beat them up until we spend some time and money fixing up Archhill Manor so it is secure against the revenge of common thieves.

We went to Fa-lir and surprise surprise, all was not well. The first bad sign was, in fact, literally a bad sign: scrawled in blood saying “Fa-Lir is Damned”. Soon we came across many rotting bodies in the streets, dead from sword wounds and chitinous spikes. Summoning our history, we recalled that a Baloth was here, and that is what Princess Parsy came here to kill, but that was ages ago and does not match this mayhem. We found yucky insect-dug tunnels covered up by boards—like that ever works. Hanging from a tree was a body with a sign around its neck: “Sinner”. Great, religious fanatics too!

In keeping with that theme, in the darkening evening we came to a church out of which was playing some rocking organ music. We recognised that this Fa-lir church was one for Sahanine, so we did not think it was necessarily a bad place. Markus snuck in and saw a dude playing with his organ. Markus watched a while, the perv…

…and must have made too much heavy breathing noises because the guy turned around. He was an Eladrin, so naturally he was insane, babbling about sinners and being sure to leave a donation in the donation box. Talithe put a coin in the box as we established whether the Organ Guy was going to attack us. Markus naturally decided not to wait and started running towards him. The guy climbed the organ pipes, then used Fey Step to vanish before Markus could stab him. Ho ho.

Our chortling at Markus was cut short by the sound of about a billion mandibles clacking outside. Then windows breaking. Then me reacting, as usual, a bit late [thanks to Orgoo’s low initiative bonus and Matt’s consistently low rolls for initiative]…

..then me screaming. In came the bugs! And wow, they were a hassle. They flung spikes at us that made us go really slow. We were scattered all over because we had been chasing Markus, so it took a while for us to cluster together.

It was a rough fight. [In one spectacular sequence, Rosy, as played by Floyd since Aby was gone, rolled a 1 to hit Korsh, then rolled a 1 to see if it hit a party member, then rolled a 1 to see if it hit someone else, then rolled a 20 to see if it hit himself!] We eventually prevailed, though a bit wet from peeing ourselves laughing at how Rosy managed to shoot herself in the face with her own bow.

We left town to rest in our camp, since we were in no hurry and the bugs would not miss us. It was a peaceful night. And a hellish morning. It all started when down the road walked this pale looking dude, holding hands lovingly with an incredibly hot woman in a red dress. Naturally I kept my cool and calm composure as I always do when I hear there is a beautiful woman nearby…

…and checked them out with cool detachment. Then I very wisely decided [Matt having failed a Wisdom check to give him the excuse to role-play this as Orgoo naturally would] that she was far too much woman for just one man, and accepted her kind invitation to follow her into the forest to “give her some help with something”. Oh, I knew what she needed help with and I was ever so ready to provide it. So leaving behind the rest of the party, who were exhibiting a variety of wariness, disgust, and dismissiveness, the three of us went into the forest. Markus (who, as we established, is a very naughty peeping tom sort) was following us sneakily. The woman kissed me, and the pale guy looked only mildly puzzled. Obviously a very open minded sort, very nice. It was a good kiss, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve had better. She seemed to realise this, so she followed up with A Real Kiss, and I instantly fell in love. [She was in fact a Succubus. She had already charmed the pale guy, who was in fact a new character played by new player Tyler. Now she had us both charmed, and we regarded her as a very dear love of our lives that we would never harm.] I loved her so much that I hardly batted an eye when she introduced her friends, a few huge red-skinned fellows who I dimly recognised as Cambians, actual devils. But, I concluded, such a beautiful, charming, sexy, lovely, perfect woman such as this could not possibly have befriended bad devils. These must be the nice kind of devils. All was well and we were getting ready to get a six-way, five-guys-and-a-woman, on-the-forest-floor freak on when Markus up and ruined it by attacking and calling everyone over to save our charmed asses.

Succubi are so interesting. They charm you by kissing you, you see, so they are well protected. If anyone attacks her while you are nearby (and of course you want to be near her), you dive in front of the attack to take the blow instead of letting her get hit. So I got hit a few times that way. She also can try to dominate anyone nearby, and does a damn good job of it. She did so with nearly everyone. Funny enough, it did not work on me very well because of my huge ego. [Orgoo has a very high Charisma and therefore quite a high Will defence.] So while everyone was alternately missing her, getting whacked by the devils, and obeying her every whim to attack each other, I composed a sonnet:

O woman in red darken-eyed,
Your boyfriend wears dusty old rings.
For your heart the both of us vied,
Though I’d swear I saw on your back, wings.
Down a dark forest road you led us
And your kiss was the loveliest wine.
Gladly I’d accept my quietus
If I perish whilst nibbling your vine.
My friends they all come running
They swear you mean me harm
But I must say your buttocks are stunning
And my cock feels as long as my arm!
I fall as I watch your hips sway:
Mom said I would die this way.

Thank you!! [DM gave Matt several hero points for that, as well as to Floyd, who composed a series of funny limericks as well.]

It was the most interesting fight I’ve been in, and funny enough, weakness for women as I have, it was my even huger ego that saved the day. I was able to resist her charms well enough [rolling 20 on a will-based attack on her devil friend] that I shook off her spell and suddenly attacked her. She was weak as, and soon surrendered. She begged for mercy, saying she just was doing it for money. Everyone believed her except for me [with a high Insight roll]. I proclaimed she was a fucking DEVIL who had the power to charm us and she needed to die right now—you know, because we good people are sworn to defeat evil, and she was literally evil incarnate? Steeple and I argued the morality a moment. I rejected all this and smashed her fucking head in with my accordion.

I don’t really feel in the mood to keep writing. I can’t stop seeing her pleading eyes. I know I did the right thing, I know it had to be done. But I feel sick. Let’s get back to Fa-Lir and get busy doing more so-called Good Things…

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MatthewFord

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